Hibachi Joan & The Haitian Barbecue

As the hellhole Haiti devours itself and delusional missionaries, progressive cult scribe Joan Walsh is holding her voodoo doll high with pride for the tribal warlord of Port-au-Prince

By Mark Cromer

We will never know what the last thoughts of David and Natalie Lloyd were, what was going through their minds during the final agonizing moments of their lives on the night of May 23, 2024, as the young husband and wife were being terrorized, beaten and ultimately slaughtered by hordes of Haitian gang members that had stormed their charity mission’s compound on the outskirts of Port-au-Prince.

There are some indications that the fresh-faced couple—David was just 23-years-old and Natalie a mere 21—had begged for their lives, pleading with the heavily armed savages that had swarmed the mission campus not to kill them. Perhaps they were numbed by a deep regret for staying behind in the landmass of a former Caribbean nation that long ago collapsed into cannibalistic chaos even as the few remaining Westerners were evacuated while tribal gangs laid siege to the airport last spring.

But maybe, just maybe, the suffering couple reached deep into themselves and channeled some of the social virtue signaling mojo of progressive cultist Joan Walsh during their last few minutes on Earth.

If they were able to reach Walsh across the cosmic transom, then perhaps the young couple proudly accepted their grim fate as simply the price that had to be paid if racial justice is to be achieved. Perhaps, just perhaps, David and Natalie held their heads high with progressive pride in their final moments as Walsh spiritually led them in a chant of solidarity with their killers: ‘We who are about to die understand we are being butchered in pursuit of a racially just and decolonized Western hemisphere! We welcome our white deaths on the altar of glorious Haiti!’

There is plenty of precedent to reasonably speculate whether the Lloyds had accepted their own savage murders were ultimately just another installment payment on the progressives’ check register of racial reparations.

On April 19, 2010, a white racial justice activist named Amanda Kijera took to the digital forum Race Talk, where she offered a detailed account of her traveling to Haiti in the aftermath of the January 12, 2010, earthquake that leveled much of whatever was still standing after decades of dysfunction, corruption and the unbridled savagery that competing tribal warlords had unleashed across the land. Kijera declared her progressive bona fides and her devotion to the ideology that holds white people in general and white males in particular are the world’s most dangerous species, an evil cabal that has spread death and destruction around the globe and one that continues to oppress blacks everywhere and especially in Haiti.

But she was there to help, and of course, to atone for being white.

According to Kijera, her commitment to the cause was put to the test when she was brutally raped by one of the very men that she had traveled to Haiti to help overcome their global reputations as ungovernable savages. Kijera writes that she was held on a rooftop and mercilessly beaten and violently raped throughout the night.

In her 2010 account on Race Talk, Kijera wrote: “It hurt. The experience was almost more than I could bear. I begged him to stop. Afraid he would kill me, I pleaded with him to honor my commitment to Haiti, to him as a brother in the mutual struggle for an end to our common oppression, but to no avail. He didn’t care that I was a Malcolm X scholar. He told me to shut up, and then slapped me in the face. Overpowered, I gave up fighting halfway through the night.” 

But in the aftermath of such a terrible defilement of her humanity, what was Kijera’s ultimate takeaway? Gratitude and a renewed commitment to her progressive cult.

“Not once did I envision myself becoming a receptacle for a Black man’s rage at the white world, but that is what I became,” Kijera wrote. “While I take issue with my brother’s behavior, I’m grateful for the experience.”

But while Kijera publicly thanked her black assailant for brutally raping her in Haiti—and remained careful to uppercase ‘Black’ while lowercasing ‘white’ to restate her diligent commitment to progressive orthodoxy—it’s impossible to know with certainty whether the Lloyds had traveled to Haiti anxious to embrace their fate and meekly submit to their own slaughter as an act of revolutionary suicide, much as the progressives cultists had at Jonestown in Guyana had back in November 1978.

Regardless, it is a safe bet that Walsh shuddered with a deep sense of total satisfaction when she learned, along with the rest of America, that two more white missionaries willingly sacrificed their lives for the beauty and wonder of glorious Haiti. As far as Walsh is undoubtedly concerned, the Lloyds’ murders offered a truly moving example of what ‘showing up for racial justice’ and ‘putting in the work’ really looks like for white people everywhere.

As the author of the 2013 book What’s The Matter With White People? and a progressive cult soothsayer who has made a well-appointed living by mocking and chastising working class white Americans as an analyst for CNN and MSNBC and a writer for The Nation, Walsh has a been a supporter of Haiti by ideological obligation. In 2018, Walsh joined ranks with the likes of Bill Maher, Susan Sarandon and Conan O’Brien as they peacocked and vamped for cameras, declaring ‘Haiti is Great Already.’

Back then, the Left’s Propaganda Department eagerly dished out heaping plates of Hollywood hype that elevated Haiti as the place to be; a gorgeous and glorious Zen Garden that white Americans should behold in a state of wonderment and pray that one day all of America would be remade in Haiti’s image.

Perhaps most famously, Walsh became righteously indignant during an appearance on CNN in 2018 as migration bans and migration priorities were being discussed, proclaiming that she may well choose to live in Haiti rather than in Norway. She refused to answer where she would choose to live if given a choice between Port-au-Prince or Oslo.

In that moment, Hibachi Joan was born.

Just as Jane Fonda rebranded herself into ‘Hanoi Jane’ in 1972 when she gleefully posed with enemy troops and an anti-aircraft battery in North Vietnam—cavorting with the combat forces of a foreign country during an active war with that enemy—likewise Walsh instantly electrified progressives everywhere by flatly rejecting the notion that Western culture is demonstrably superior to many other societies around the globe.

Walsh was unflinching in her assessment that living in Haiti today may well offer a far more enjoyable experience than residing in the modern Nordic nation whose Viking ancestors were among the earliest explorers of the New World. Her sneering on-air declaration was mandatory, of course, given the fact that Norway remains a predominantly white nation while Haiti is predominantly a black one, a demarcation that automatically requires progressives to immediately reject baseline metrics of civilization and affirmatively apply an equity filter that awards beaucoup bonus points based on blackness.

But even relying on the alchemy of Walsh’s dark arts, any rational being attempting to make the case that Haiti isn’t a horrifying septic tank of violent chaos and dysfunction must confront some awfully inconvenient facts, perhaps most notably among them the glaring admission of many Haitians themselves that they are prepared to die in an effort to escape the filthy shithole.

And then there are the Haitians that have escaped the District 9 dump.

Many Haitians have confessed that they’d sooner jump feet-first into a woodchipper than to return to the boiling PortaPotty that is Port-au-Prince. Most Haitians seem to understand there is no shame in admitting they would choose an agonizing and gruesome death before ever voluntarily embarking for a boat ride back to the worthless and fetid wasteland they had fled.

Of course, there are some notable exceptions to this rule.

Chief among them is Jimmy Chérizier, a former police officer turned Haitian warlord known by his gang-name ‘Barbecue,’ who along with his heavily-armed minions now control much of the geographic region that once was Haiti. While Haiti simply no longer exists as an actual country, warlords like Chérizier obviously still prefer their slum fiefdoms over a life in a First World nation, since a functioning Western state like Norway could never allow them to flourish while remaining a viable nation-state.

Warlords such as Barbecue are a signature of the failed state, standing tall in the trophy case of societal collapse that progressives such as Joan Walsh celebrate as the desired state of being for its lack of whiteness all together. The less white any place is, the more desirable Walsh and her progressive ilk find it. On that scale, Haiti is heaven.

So, 2024 was a banner year for Hibachi Joan and her Haitian Barbecue.

As the last pages of the calendar flipped away into history, the United Nations was packing its bags in Port au Prince, the African Union’s expeditionary force was retreating and what remained of the NGO footprint across the feces-filled hellscape that once was Haiti was flickering out, creating a very palpable sense that nothing will ever work in Haiti and that any attempt to create a modern, functioning civil society is doomed to failure.

The actual truth behind progressive cultists like Joan Walsh is really never that difficult to divine, as their own actions tend to accentuate it in their decisions as to where they live, shop and socialize, which invariably looks nothing like Haiti but often bears a striking resemblance to Norway.

If Joan Walsh was parachuted into Haiti in January 2025—say as part of a gonzo-adventure Reality TV show called Showing Up for Racial Justice—with a GoPro cam attached to her helmet, viewers would quickly be treated to Walsh running into the surf of the nearest beach she could find, hellbent on swimming to Norway.

Even knowing that she would be ripped to shreds and devoured by the Tiger sharks and Great Hammerheads lurking just beyond the breakers, Hibachi Joan would still hurl herself into the frothing surf and start freestyling toward Norway faster than Dara Torres.

As she swam furiously toward her death, Walsh could at least be at peace knowing—even as she was being eaten alive by the sharks—that hurling herself into a Kamikazi attempt to swim to Norway had still provided a far more preferable fate than remaining on land in Haiti would have offered.

Even as she lost consciousness while watching a 17-foot Tiger shark lazily circle with one of her detached legs in its mouth, savoring its human drumstick, Walsh would still find peace in knowing it was far more preferable fate than what her future would have held as one of Barbecue’s comfort girls.

For she would have surely been eaten alive in that scenario as well.

First by being fed to the tribal warlord’s savages to serve in sexual bondage until her broken, bloodied and blown-out holes simply defied any further use by the tribesmen, at which point Walsh would be ritualistically slaughtered in a manner consistent with Voodoo tradition and poured into the gang’s Crockpot along with all the roots, leaves and frogs eyes that are called for in Barbecue’s family gumbo recipe that had been handed down to the warlord by his great granny BooBoo Cue MooMoo.

The warlord might order his personal chef to braise and shred Walsh’s heart and serve it as a BBQ sandwich in a Haitian salute to The McRib, while suggesting her brain be removed from her severed cranium and having it cubed, pickled and chilled to be served as a refreshing dessert along with a nice pudding wine and garnished with her finger and toe cuticles.

Of course, Joan Walsh understands she will never have to face such a horrifying fate, because her progressive preening aside, she will never set foot in Port-au-Prince or anywhere else in the hellhole of Haiti.

That’s what white missionaries like David and Natalie Lloyd are for, young Anglos who are proud to show up for racial justice even if it means being slaughtered in the process.

Hibachi Joan thanks them for their service.